Separation…

Support.

Certainty.

Strategy.

 Sometimes separation and divorce is the right answer.

And sometimes it’s not.

 

Sometimes, it takes a lot of careful planning over time.

Because I coach women through divorce, and specialise in high-conflict situations, often involving issues of control and other forms of abuse, it would be easy to assume that I’m an advocate for divorce no matter what.

I’m not.

I’m an advocate for healthy, respectful relationships.

It’s not always possible for a relationship with a partner to be a healthy one.

Abusers with controlling and/or “high-conflict personalities” tend to be constant ‘blamers’. They can, and often do, create a narrative that puts you at the centre of blame for just about everything - including their abusive behaviour.

In these relationships, separation can be the best option for yourself and your children.

Do you feel compelled to defend your partner and his behaviour?

To minimise his behaviour because it doesn’t happen all the time, or because it’s only bad when he drinks, or because he hasn’t yet directed it at your kids?

It’s common for women to struggle to acknowledge that their partner is an ‘abuser’.

There can be deep feelings of shame.

The problem? Denying the reality of the situation doesn’t help anyone - and it definitely doesn’t help you or your children.

In fact, denying the reality of your partners behaviour, and the harm it’s causing your family, ultimately means that you are enabling his continued use of abuse.

When we ‘enable’ someone, we are protecting them from the consequences of their behaviour.

Staying in a relationship with an abuser who doesn’t take genuine responsibility for their behaviour (that is, they don’t make excuses or blame others for their actions) is only going to lead to one thing - more abuse.

A common fear from clients I work with is that they are ‘breaking up the family’.

This fear is often used as a weapon by abusive partners who place blame for the break-up on the healthy person who has finally had enough, or to manipulate partners into staying in an abusive relationship.

Sometimes, the path to separation involves developing confidence in yourself, and trust in your decisions, before you have clarity about the future of your relationship.

Before you’ve decided. Before you’ve ever said the words ‘separation’ or ‘divorce’ to your partner.

Or, you might already be certain that you want out of your high-conflict marriage. You might have already reached that point where you are just done. But, you know that your partner probably won’t respond well to the news, and you want to get your ‘ducks in a row’ before telling them.

Even in situations where a high-conflict or abusive person initiates the break-up, and/or has been unfaithful, it is common for them to attempt to control the situation by changing their minds repeatedly, or simply just attempting to control all-the-things.

The purpose of this back-and-forth is to keep you off-balance so that they can maintain control.

Yes, they know what they are doing to you.

One minute you could be called horrible names, and the next you’re sent loving text messages. You may be blamed for the abuse one day, and begged to go to marriage counselling the next.

 

I can help.

 

Separation support can take different forms, depending on your individual circumstances.

You may be seeking to understand why your partner behaves the way they do, and whether change is likely or possible.

You may want to establish the foundation of a separation plan. (This is particularly important in situations where there has been controlling behaviours or other forms of family violence, including non-physical types of abuse.)

How it works:

Set up a free Discovery Call by clicking the button below, or going to the ‘book online’ menu option at the top navigation of this website.

Discovery Calls are an opportunity for us to chat for around 30 minutes to allow you to share what is going on for you, and for me to listen and ask questions.

Discovery Calls are an opportunity for me to get an understanding about whether coaching with me is the right fit for you and your situation, because I only invite people to coach with me if I believe they will benefit from it.

Click the button above to book your free 30 minute Discovery Call.

I’m looking forward to talking to you

More information about separating from someone who is controlling or has a ‘high-conflict personality’…

A common tactic of controlling high-conflict partners and former partners is to threaten to seek "sole custody" or other “court action” as a means to create fear and maintain control.

Sudden interest in the children you share with a high-conflict person is unlikely to be coming from a genuine place of love and connection.

They may in fact view your children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals in their own right. They will also likely know that your children are your weak spot, and they may intend to use them as a means to continue to manipulate, control and hurt you. This is one of the most insidious aspects of post-separation abuse.

You will likely want to encourage your children to maintain a strong, positive relationship with their other parent, especially if the other parent hasn’t overtly directed abusive behaviour toward the children.

The problem with this blind faith and trust is that research has well-established that abuse toward a mother is damaging to children even if the children are not abused directly. And, the single best predictor of how someone will treat their children is how they treat the other parent.

If your partner or former partner is controlling of you, or abusive in other ways, they are not a good parent.

They are making a choice to expose your children to abuse.

If any of this is ringing alarm bells for you, we need to talk.

Separating from a high-conflict person? Let's talk. Danielle Black is a high-conflict separation & divorce specialist in Australia.

You are already ahead of most people who separate from a high-conflict person. Just by being here with me right now.

LET'S CHAT